First I want to apologize for being so MIA for the past 8 or so weeks. I would love to say that I have been so busy ending world hunger, rescuing every abandoned animal, and finding a cure for childhood cancer. Shoot, I would settle for I’ve been writing and scheduling blog posts for the New Year, but in reality none of those are remotely true.
You might remember back in August I was struggling emotionally. I was drowning in my everyday life. I had let my mental state become so exhausted that all it took was losing a beloved pet to throw me off the cliff. I knew for months I was spiraling. But just like every other flawed human, I decided to stay in a state of denial because, well quite frankly, its more comfortable there. And I will go one step farther, its easier pretending your not damaged goods, then watching people judge because they don’t understand your illness.
When I am not on everyday medication, I really like who I am. I know my moods and behaviors aren’t always perfect, but what is perfect anyway? I love the creative juices that flow thru me each day. I love the amount of energy I have for projects and things that I am passionate about. I just don’t like the overwhelming feelings of being underwater with no air, and the heavy burden of anxiety that feels like a ton of bricks sitting of my chest.
But somewhere on that road, the overwhelming feelings overtook me completely until I was in a world of darkness. At that point not only I, but my husby and my doctor, who is also a friend, knew that something drastic was going to have to happen. Of course like always, pumping me full of medications was the first step. But how are you suppose to let the medications take effect when living in a world of chaos. We knew I had to get out of my everyday element to rest my mind and body. My doctors, the automatic response was an impatient treatment faciality where I could rest but have my medications montiored.
But I knew that wasn’t what I needed.
What I needed most was silence and time with God. That is not going to come in a hospital. So I was determined to find a place. and a place I did find. (Be watching for part 2). But what happened when I returned home? Well, back to the normal everyday schedules, chaos and busyness.
But what I realized about myself after coming home after having a few weeks to let the medications work there way into my body, was that I don’t like me on medication. Yes, I’m more calm (well sometimes), yes the anxiety is so high, it takes more to overwhelm me, but I’m not me.
I’m not the creative person who has so many ideas flowing out of me. I’m not the person whi is excited to work on projects and deadlines. I’m not the person who takes more risks.
I’m the person who has no energy. I’m the person who has no drive. I’m the person who has no motivation. I’m the person who feels lifeless with no zeal or zest.
So why have I been MIA for the last 8 weeks?
Because I I’m not the same person I was before. I can’t seem to write, I can’t seem to create, I can’t seem to bring myself to do anything new. I feel like my mind has EXITED my body!
My kids want to know when I’m I actually going to start cooking again? I think they have had their fair share of frozen foods and sandwiches. I’m giving myself thru the holidays. I will allow myself to not be motivated until the new year begins and then it has to stop. I will get back in the saddle and do what I love to do. Write, blog, cook, and create.
Please bear with me thru this transition and thank you to everyone who has stood by me.